Hyper parents Coddled kids 嬌生慣養
早幾日看明珠台這個節目, 作為家長看完真是有些迷茫.
"給兒女最好的" 是古今中外的共識, 怎會錯? 然而卻明顯出了問題, 像現今好多社會問題, 沒有適可而止, 好事就變了懷事.
身邊也不小案例, 其一:
朋友是高級公務員, 妻做地產公司. 雖不算是富豪一族, 但生活自然無憂.
女兒自幼兒園到中學都是名校, 私人補習, 八級鋼琴. 中三便送到英國留學 (你和我的稅錢), 剛在英會考, 成績是全A. 為人醒目. 但不算貌美出眾. 和明珠節目中那優質女孩相似. (未看過的: 這女孩在校成績好, 學生領袖. 但出來打工, 四年轉五六份, 上師評語多是 " 很聰明, 但 ..... ". 跟著自己搞生意, 好快就破產.)
她每年起碼回港三四次, 每次一兩個月. 我己不叫這些做'留學生', 算是海外寄宿生吧, 跟本沒有'留' ?? 對英國社會文化懂多小真不知, 對香港一切八卦新聞郤是非常ｕｐ ｄａｔｅ.
每次回來都差不多會同爸媽去個trip, 最多是去日本. 爸爸計劃好一切, 她真的帶個人去就得, passport 阿媽會跟會管.
家中自不然有賓賓, 煮飯清潔懂小小吧.
太完美了.
但我想過如果時光倒流幾十年, 見到這種女子我真的唔敢追, 我可以給她怎麼 ? 物質上不計, 我可以做到她父親給她的照顧(愛)嗎 ? 一半也不可能. 現在的一眾宅男, 有多小個可以, 更甚是, 有多小個願意. 解釋為何如此多"剩女".
我又想, 如果我公司要請人, 要請一個怎麼都不缺的聰明女嗎 ? 她有怎麼動力去在工作上搏殺 ? 講真我以前請人, 是專挑在公屋往的.
那麼現在做父母應如何 ? 難道我明明可以住半山, 年年去日本, 我偏不住偏不去嗎 ? 確是難題.
我也沒有好方案, 只是儘量給他們知道搵錢是困難的, 財富是可以來可以去的, 節儉理財是必需的, 做事要做好但不一定為財富, 沒有人可以給你一世的依賴, 儘量給他們自己做主自已負責的事 .... 等等.
也可想想, 如果自己是每天做到隻狗一般, 受不小屈辱, 為的是給兒女好食好住有工人用, 學琴去日本, 需要嗎? 還是給他們多點空間去爭取自己想要的?
我經常大吉利是地給他們說: " 危機處理: 假如明天你爸媽不在了, 你懂如何活下去嗎 ? 不懂 ? 終有這一天, 是不是要好好想下 "
其它的, 我想市面己有好多書講. 不扮專家, 大家可以去找找.
不簡單的題目, 我的project也在進行中. 希望各方好友可以交流一下.
Elle, 海海,
是難, 但老套些講也是挑戰.
我也信DNA密碼和條命, 有些小孩在極佳環境下可以變得很壞, 另一些可以極惡劣環境下成材.
識得一些世家子弟, 也不會是無所事事, 鬥心很強, 懂以禮代人 不算克儉但也不浪費. 反而有些死充的就養出一群碌爆卡月光族.
至於自己的消費, 我就己經是自動收歛, 對所有的高檔消費豪華遊都不甚追求. 不用克意做給子女看. 因為我倆年紀不小吧. 以前的大花茼日子, 小孩們看不到 ... 哈哈.
And Bro Wall Grass:
Honestly if there are such things call next life, may I request to be the daughter of your friend? How I wish I could have a pair of parents that planning up everything for me.. but believe it or not.. I actually met a lot of women in very similar background and some may not even this well performed academically. Common things are helicopter parents and then helicopter husbands (they know nuts about their financials, amazingly) .. and I realised that this is really the best scienios for no-brainers. And be frank, if I were them, why not just leave my brain somewhere else.. perfect life!!!!!!!!
Wall grass bro,
感同身受, 現代父母不易為 !!! 加油, 亙勉之!!
CD ROM
海海
Bro Twohitsix:
1) congratulation!
2) "仔要窮養, 女要富養"..相反教女要教佢有TASTE, 有品味, 第日揀既男人先不會太差. 不過時移世易,可能"剩女"真係咁出來, 但如果我係阿爸, 我寧願佢單身都唔想佢搵件唔掂既單細胞嫁.. another difficult topic too.. as a woman, truly agree with you that if marry to a 單細胞 will definitely very unfortunate, but then if she stays single throughout, also very poor thing. I have a few aunts that are singles. One was in her late 60s and needs to be in and out of hospitals and there are no direct famly assistance. Very poor thing. As a woman, I agree with what you say, but as a mum, I am not that sure that way if I raise a spinister..I can't take care of her when she turns old.
Wall Grass Bro,
Well thought blog.
This is actually a very difficult issue to handle.
You said:
那麼現在做父母應如何 ? 難道我明明可以住半山, 年年去日本, 我偏不住偏不去嗎 ? 確是難題.
What to do? I saw all my unmarried friends 年年去日本, every time in 5 star hotels..am thinking if it were not for the kids, this is actually our life style too. But with them, I purposely downgrade to 3 stars hotels, business motels, sometimes to YMCAs or youth hostels too. I honestly don't think our kids could afford our kind of lifestyle..at least not straight out of schools.. but if these are the standard ( 5 stars hotels and business class air travels), how could they afford ths same next time? Transport wise, used to drive but now also downgrade to public transport and No.11..surprisingly, the kids took it quite well..So in order to do myself a favour in future, I don't want to raise 2 more bosses for me to serve during my golden years..so downgrade to the extent that I could accept..
My daughter will start P5 in the coming January (singapore school starts in January)..and after attending the school ( not teacher) -parent meetings, I realised that to play the Singapore Education game well, I have no choice but employ tutors for my daughter starting this year .. everything in, I am looking at about 1.3k sgd every month (apparently this is half of what her classmates spent as she only 1 session for 3 subjects,plus recreational stuff) and I was thinking that even if she graduates from uni this year, she could at most earning about 1.8-2.5k monthly on average. Not a sound investment at all.. but what to do??
Wall Grass bro,
You said
但見過不小家長是死充的, 經濟倉收入, 頭等倉支出. 做生做死 供學琴供私校供補習, 對自已對子女是雙輸.
It's absolutely true. I've heard that the very top few Direct Subsidy schools' fee remission schemes are basically unused.
Once I took my kid to a violin examination, and I overheard a tutor saying her student bought a cello that costs 1M HKD. Well, that might just be small change to her parents. Nonetheless, I question the worth of lavishing so much money on kids' extra-curricular activities. I'd rather save it up on a flat.
I also have a crazy idea -- when my kids grow up I shall encourage them to seek university education in Finland or Norway. That is, if they are still free for foreigners......ka ka
有一句话好像很难听，但是有点真理 -
莫说养儿为防老，亲儿不及近身钱。。。
mkm,
你的1,2,3我都差不多做了. 我問題應該不大, 希望, 因跟本不是富有.
但見過不小家長是死充的, 經濟倉收入, 頭等倉支出. 做生做死 供學琴供私校供補習, 對自已對子女是雙輸.
twohitsix,
恭喜恭喜, 窮養富養也很大學問呵, 男生找到一個不知"窮" 是何物的女生也是不娶好過.
fatfat,
子女未過三十, 也未知 project 是成是敗.
唉, 作為父母, 真的有很多問題. "每天做到隻狗一般, 受不小屈辱, 為的是給兒女好食好住有工人用..." 但其實, 對他真的是好事嗎? 現實有好多失敗的例子.
BTW, 一路做, 一路學習. 睇吓其他人點做, 好的就學, 唔好的就避免. 更記住陸sir的一句: 千金難買少年窮. 要教識他用錢和做人處事的態度.
我都將要面對這問題了 (內子二月預產), 我聽過其中一個教育方式係"仔要窮養, 女要富養". 男人既風骨,韌力都要由資源缺乏既環境培養; 相反教女要教佢有TASTE, 有品味, 第日揀既男人先不會太差. 不過時移世易,可能"剩女"真係咁出來, 但如果我係阿爸, 我寧願佢單身都唔想佢搵件唔掂既單細胞嫁.
Wall grass bro,
very difficult question......
But I always tell my kids four things:
1. I am not a rich man, ours is not a rich family.
2. I am only responsible for you until you reach 22.
3. If I can afford it, I will pay for your university education when you reach 18. However, you have to start paying me back when you start working. I expect to get at least 50% back so that I can live out the rest of my days without depending on you.
4. I will not be a nanny to your kids when you start your own family. You are responsible for your kids' upbringing.